


Sorry.

by halseam



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F slur, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, I mean, Suicide mention, ask me to tag any other things cuz I can’t think of anything, at least romantic, but I’m putting Evan/Connor in there cuz zoe jokes about it n shit, mental health struggles, only once tho, so not any actual relationships, unhealthy coping methods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-13 22:38:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14757618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halseam/pseuds/halseam
Summary: From: moncurph69@gmail.comTo: evanhansen@gmail.com zoeem@gmail.com mrscynthiamurphy@gmail.comDate: January 1st, 2019. 03:16Subject: sorry





	1. Connor

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah. Idk. I was feeling angsty.

From: moncurph69@gmail.com  
To: evanhansen@gmail.com zoeem@gmail.com mrscynthiamurphy@gmail.com   
Date: January 1st, 2019. 03:16  
Subject: sorry

i don’t even fucking know why i’m sending this to zoe too. she probably doesn’t give two shits  
basically. sorry. i’ve fucked up too much  
if this doesn’t work just… i don’t know. don’t let me do this again  
i know it’s stupid. i really do. i’ve already tried twice and know how crazy mom gets. if it doesn’t work she’ll probably get even crazier. like fucking baby proof the entire house. ‘oh, you can break your skull on this table!’  
if it does work tho. don’t forget about me. sure i’m gonna be fucking gone. but please just don’t let me… disappear i guess  
that’s a stupid fucking request. you guys will forget i ever existed in like a week. or at least until my funeral. evan will go back to having no friends, zoe will go back to being (basically) an only child, mom and dad will go back to just worrying about one kid. the good one. the one that isn’t completely fucked up  
what a time to go too. people say the new year is a way to start over and to ‘revamp’ yourself. at this point that’s completely off the table. and at satan’s hour. its fitting  
so basically. sorry. sorry to evan. sorry to mom. sorry to zoe i guess  
sincerely,  
your best and most dearest disappointment of son, brother, and friend  
connor


	2. Evan

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 3rd, 2019. 15:31  
Subject: RE: sorry

I just got home from school.   
Your mom told me what happened. What a way to ruin your birthday.   
I don’t understand. You were doing so well. You were getting better. I saw you getting better.   
I do not know what I’m going to do without you.   
I think they’re gonna announce it over the loudspeaker tomorrow at school. At least that’s what your mom said she asked them to do. Great way to start off the Friday. And the weekend. I don’t know how that’ll go. I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold it together. I’ll try. I’ll definitely try.   
I didn’t see Zoe at school today. Or yesterday. Or on Tuesday. I think she’s taking this pretty hard actually. You didn’t think she would. I think she is, though.   
It hasn’t really sunk in yet. It’s really just been a huge shock. I think it will soon.   
I’ll miss you so much.   
Sincerely,  
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 3rd, 2019. 23:46  
Subject: RE: sorry

I can’t sleep whatsoever.   
I mean, I’m not blaming you but… I’m blaming you.   
I just can’t seem to get my mind off of it. I can’t get my mind off of you. My friend. My best friend. He’s gone. All those days in the orchard or binge watching movies or just staying up until midnight talking… washed away.   
But I will never let you disappear. I won’t delete the pictures off my phone. I won’t stop emailing you. I won’t stop seeing your family. I won’t stop anything. I’ll try to keep going like normal. Except you aren’t there.   
The pictures are, though. You’ll always be there. Even if they’re just split seconds in time. I’ll look at them and think back on all the memories, all the great times we had.   
I don’t know. I’m just rambling at this point. Sorry. I’ll try to get some sleep. You would’ve wanted me to.   
Sincerely,  
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph00@gmail.com   
Date: January 4th, 2019. 02:03  
Subject: RE: sorry

I still can’t sleep.   
Sincerely,  
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 4th, 2019. 11:31  
Subject: RE: sorry

They did announce it over the loudspeaker.   
I didn’t hold it together. I guess the principal saying it and her voice cracking when she said it really forced it to sink in. I completely fell apart. I had to go to the bathroom and just cry for half of first period. I don’t know if Mr Walters was okay with that. I don’t think he knew we were friends.   
I feel sick to my stomach thinking about that.   
I saw Alana trying not to cry when the principal said it. I don’t think she did. We have both homeroom and first period together and she wasn’t crying during first, so either she’s really good at keeping it together or doesn’t want to cry at school. Either way, I really envy her.   
I can hear someone down the hall now. I need to go.   
Bye  
Sincerely,  
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 4th, 2019. 17:57  
Subject: RE: sorry

Mom came home from work today for dinner. The school emailed her about you. She tried talking to me about it. I don’t really know why but I didn’t want to. She couldn’t get it out of me. Maybe it’s because I think if I open my mouth I’ll break out in hysterics. I’ve noticed that I’ve kept it tightly closed all day.   
I used to never like my mouth closed. At least around you. You always had something to say, I always had a response. That’s how it worked. Now, though, I don’t have anything to vocally respond to. I just have to think it or look to my left and suddenly remember you’re not there.   
I feel like throwing up. There’s a lump in my throat that won’t go away no matter how much water I drink or how much I swallow. It’s always there.   
Sincerely,   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 5th, 2019. 16:20  
Subject: RE: sorry

I’m sending this at this time because I knew you’d find it funny.   
Zoe came over. It’s the first time I’ve seen her in over a week. She really didn’t look good. Neither did I. She came with snacks and blankets and asked me if I wanted to hang out with her for a couple hours. I said no. I think it’s too early to be ‘replacing’ you with your sister.   
I showed her these emails. She looked at me like I was crazy.   
She invited me to your funeral. It’s a week from now. I don’t know if I’ll go. I think it’ll be too hard to see your face. But, I think it would be disrespectful to your memory not to go. I think I’ll go and stay as long as I can. Maybe get coffee with your mom after. Get our minds off things.   
This weekend will be living hell. Without you taking us places or watching you and Jared play video games until ungodly hours of the night. I don’t think I’ll be able to get out of bed tomorrow. Mom will have to come home and force feed me apple sauce or something to make sure I eat.   
Sincerely,  
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 7th, 2019. 06:37  
Subject: RE: sorry

Zoe said she’d be at school today.   
I think that’s codeword for ‘let’s hang out during lunch so we’re not completely alone.’  
I know the other students and staff will go on with their days like nothing happened. Zoe and I will be ostrichised again for being not okay while everyone else is. At least I have her and she has me.   
She said she’d meet me on the bus. I don’t think she wants to drive your guys car just yet. I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t either.   
It’s been a week. You haven’t disappeared.   
The bus is almost here. I need to go.   
Sincerely,  
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 7th, 2019. 15:44  
Subject: RE: sorry

I was unfortunately right about all the other students.   
Maybe it’s because they never knew you. They just knew the persona of you, not the layers of hurt and wittyness and sarcastic comments and love.   
The only other person, other than Zoe, that was hurting was Alana. I don’t know why. You guys never hung out, did you? Or is there something you didn’t tell me? Did you secretly hook up with her in junior year and she developed a genuine crush on you? Were you guys secretly best friends all though elementary and middle school?  
I guess I’ll never know.   
Sincerely,  
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 7th, 2019. 19:12  
Subject: RE: sorry

Zoe’s coming over for a sleepover tonight.   
She’ll probably want to see more of my emails to you.   
If she does, hello Zoe. I see you.  
If she doesn’t, I sure did look like an idiot in that last line.   
Sincerely,  
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 7th, 2019. 23:45  
Subject: RE: sorry

She just wanted comfort. Go figure, huh.   
I guess I did look like an idiot.   
Sincerely,   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 10th, 2019. 16:49  
Subject: RE: sorry

Sorry I haven’t written in a couple days. It’s been too hard. I guess the fact that you’re not replying makes it hard.   
Your funeral is in only two days. I’ve decided I’m going. I don’t know how long for, though. As long as I can, I guess. Your mom somehow convinced me to say a couple words at dinner yesterday. I need to get writing those. I have time during free period tomorrow, so I’ll get as far as I can during that.   
I really do miss you.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 11th, 2019. 11:12  
Subject: RE: sorry

If only I sent this a minute before.   
My wish would be you’re happier where you are now. That you’re up in heaven watching over all of us. Or maybe you’re a ghost, going about your everyday life with no reaction to your jokes because, well, no one can hear you.   
Actually, scratch that. I can hear you. Because you’re still right here. I haven’t forgotten about you, Connor. I really haven’t. I’m keeping my promise of not letting you disappear like you wanted.   
God, I’m almost sobbing in the computer lab right now.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 12th, 2019. 09:29  
Subject: RE: sorry

Connor was a lot. He was so much. Words can’t describe how much he was.   
In short, he was the best friend I ever had. He was the only friend I ever had. The only friend that was there for me, at least.   
I’ve had to think back on only a few months together for memories, but it was so hard to narrow it down to one. I think I’ve chosen the perfect one to talk about, though.   
It was December. Christmas Eve. Connor had appeared at my house in pajamas with movies and snacks and blankets and Zoe at around midnight. They had said they snuck out of the house in order to come here. I never will forget the way Connor looked at me as he told me that, either. He looked at me the same way he always did when he did something he wasn’t supposed to, with that little hint of mischievous twelve year old boy in him. We spent the rest of the night until Zoe got a call from Cynthia asking where they were at around six in the morning watching Christmas movies.   
We had all somehow ended up cuddled in a giant blanket nest in the middle of my living room. Connor was half asleep on my shoulder and Zoe wide awake from all the Coca Cola she had drunk while watching Elf. She was absolutely buzzing.   
Watching Connor wake up and stretch out his limbs, in the process kicking Zoe in the head, was such an amazing view that no amount of words or metaphors or photos could show. It’s was simply amazing.   
Though, with that, if I had known that was the last time I’d see him wake up I would’ve taken uncountable pictures. If I had know that was the last week I’d see him alive, I would’ve made sure it was the best last week anyone has ever seen. If I had known why he didn’t want to come to my house for a New Years ‘party,’ I would have made sure Zoe stayed home. But I didn’t. I didn’t know any of it. And that’s what’s beating me up inside.   
He was my best friend. And now, well, he’s gone for good. And there’s nothing I can do about it except remember.   
I just wish I could’ve been there before he did it. To stop him, to help him, I don’t know. But I wasn’t. And I know it isn’t my fault, I know so well that it isn’t, but I just can’t help feeling like it is.   
So, Connor, whatever your middle name is, Murphy, I miss you so much. I will never forget everything you did for me and everyone else. I will never forget you. I will make sure you don’t disappear. 

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 12th, 2019. 12:32  
Subject: RE: sorry

I had coffee with your mom like I said I would. She told me how much she cried during my speech. She didn’t think I would write that much. I didn’t think I would, either, in all honestly. But I did. And I was able to say the whole thing without crying. My voice definitely broke a couple times. And I completely broke down as soon as I sat back down. Me and my mom sat with your family, by the way. Zoe hugged me so much. I just wish this day wasn’t this day, you know?  
Seeing your face was absolute torture. You just looked asleep, except you weren’t breathing and you didn’t have that permanent angry look about you. You just looked at peace.   
Your burial is in about 20 minutes. I’m bringing a couple things to bury with you.   
I got an old copy of The Little Prince. Zoe told me it was one of your favourite books.   
A leaf from the orchard. For obvious reasons.   
And a small piece of cardboard from a pizza box. For all the nights we spent eating too much pizza and watching cheesy romance movies because you said they were ‘so bad they’re good.’ Which, I can agree with that statement.   
It’ll be hard. Really hard.   
Great, it’s starting to rain. Perfect.   
Sincerely,  
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 12th, 2019. 13:21  
Subject: RE: sorry

Your mom brought one of your old sweaters.   
Zoe brought a CD of one of your favourite albums.   
Your dad brought a baseball glove.   
I hope those will satisfy.   
Sincerely,  
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 15th, 2019. 13:37  
Subject: RE: sorry

I hate the word ‘sorry’ now.   
It’s been two weeks.   
It’s really hit me like a bus now.   
Alana convinced the school to put on a memorial service thing for you. That’s happening tomorrow. She also convinced me to say a couple words. I’m just going to say the same thing I said at your funeral. I can’t bring myself to make another speech.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 16th, 2019. 11:15  
Subject: RE: sorry

Well that was hell on earth.   
They even put together a little slideshow to play, for some reason. Zoe and I were the only students to cry. Alana didn’t cry, surprisingly. I think it was because she was on the stage and didn’t want to in front of everyone. A couple of the teachers cried. Remember Miss G from second grade? Yeah, she came to watch the whole thing. I could see her crying as I left the auditorium.   
The effect you have on people is insane, Connor.   
I can finally say your name without feeling sick with sadness.   
Evan 

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 18th, 2019. 13:54  
Subject: RE: sorry

I’m writing this during English class.   
The people next to me are telling cheesy ‘why did the duck cross the road’ jokes.   
Your mom told me you loved those. Why didn’t you tell me that, though?   
Oh, they’re so bad.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 22nd, 2019. 03:16  
Subject: RE: sorry

Three weeks.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 25th, 2019. 12:02  
Subject: RE: sorry

This is my 20th email to you and still no response? Really?   
I’m trying to laugh. It just hurts.   
Sorry these emails have been getting more spaced out between each other. I really have no excuse.   
But you haven’t disappeared, Connor. Trust me.   
I still see your mom every day. She still looks so tired and hurt and ‘crazy,’ as you would say.   
I still see Zoe every day. She’s definitely the one that’s gotten better out of us. But, she still looks not completely alright. She looks not whole. Maybe it’s because her brother decided to take his own life on what was supposed to be the start of a great year.   
I don’t think this year will be great. So far it isn’t. I haven’t been able to sleep much this month. Maybe February will be better.   
Oh, who knows.   
Fingers crossed, though. Where ever you are, Connor, please let February be a good month for things.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 28th, 2019. 18:20  
Subject: RE: sorry

Four weeks.   
It’s still horrible.   
It’s still torture.   
I got so used to you being beside me. For four months. I have technically gone back to having no friends. But that doesn’t mean I know it. I’m still looking to my left and expecting long messy brown hair and a baggy grey sweater. Instead, I’m met with a bathroom wall with slurs written all over it.   
You would’ve punched the kid that wrote ‘faggots are going to hell’ on that wall. I know it.   
But you can’t.   
Because you’re six feet under the ground with a dusty old book, a crumpled up leaf, a piece of cardboard, a hoodie, an inevitably broken The Smiths CD, and a baseball glove.   
I just really miss you.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: February 2nd, 2019. 01:37  
Subject: RE: sorry

I think I’m starting to go crazy.   
Today I saw you standing outside my window waving at me.   
And then I blinked and you were gone.   
I went to your house for dinner. Your mom still hasn’t gotten rid of your chair and doesn’t let anyone sit in it. Not even me. She added a chair just for me. At least I know I’m not replacing you. But, seeing your empty chair still hurts. It’s just sitting there collecting dust.   
I don’t think your mom has even been able to bring herself to pack up your room. I would offer to, but, you know.   
I wonder how you’re doing where ever you are. I haven’t asked that in a while. I hope you’re happy. I mean that genuinely, too. I remember once a kid at school said something bad about Zoe and you punched him and then said that. ‘I hope you’re happy.’  
Wow. There’s another thing I can’t think about without crying.   
Evan. 

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: February 5th, 2019. 10:33  
Subject: RE: sorry

Five weeks  
I feel like throwing up.   
It hurts so much.   
I thought I’d be better by now. I’m really not.   
I don’t know how much longer I can take it without seeing you. I can’t wait another seventy years. Hell, I can’t wait another seven days.   
In seven days it’ll be six weeks.   
That’s almost two months.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: February 14th, 2019. 06:43  
Subject: RE: sorry

Happy Valentine’s Day. I can just hear your voice saying how stupid this holiday it. And, yeah, I think I’d have to agree.   
It’s been a long nine days. It’s almost been seven weeks since you did it. Six weeks since I found out.   
It not gotten easier. At all.   
I really don’t know how much longer I can go on.   
Writing these emails probably isn’t the best for my situation. But at least it’s making me not forget you.   
I’ve changed my phone background to a picture of you next to a tree in the orchard. I took it the first time we went. I don’t think you even knew I took it. I don’t know why I took it. Maybe because I had hope we’d continue being friends and I never wanted to forget our first outing. I really don’t know. But I think that’ll help me stop writing so many of these emails. They’re making a small part of me hope you’re reading them and just faked your death.   
But I was at your funeral and burial. You didn’t fake it. There’s still a small part of me that hopes it, though. Maybe you’ll reply to one of these and maybe I’ll see you again, smiling and alive. But my common sense tells me that’s stupid and I go back to not sleeping for days on end.   
I’ll keep hoping, though.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: February 19th, 2019. 00:45  
Subject: RE: sorry

Seven weeks.   
One more week and it’s been two months.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: February 22nd, 2019. 14:39  
Subject: RE: sorry

Mrs Weisner decided to spring a pop quiz on us during last period. Amazing start to the weekend, right?  
I don’t know. I don’t think this weekend will be great. We’re approaching two months now and I’m still wondering how I’ve made it this long without doing the same thing you did.   
I still have my cast on my dresser. Mom made sure the doctors didn’t cut over your name. That was really nice of her, but now I can’t look for socks without feeling sad and hopeless and angry and confused and guilty and  
I don’t know.   
I shouldn’t be feeling like this anymore. And yet here I am. It’s really not fun.   
I’m saying it like you don’t know what it’s like to feel like this. You do, though, you really do.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: February 26th, 2019. 05:01  
Subject: RE: sorry

I didn’t sleep at all last night.   
It’s been two months.   
I feel like throwing up.   
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: March 3rd, 2019. 09:37  
Subject: RE: sorry

Zoe is coming over in 20 minutes.   
Jared and Alana are coming over at 11.   
I really don’t know why. It’s before noon on a Sunday, what are we going to do?  
Evan

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: March 3rd, 2019. 16:26  
Subject: RE: sorry

So they’re scared I’m going to follow in your footsteps.   
Yeah, these emails aren’t good for me. I think I’m going to have to stop writing them.   
I’m so sorry. It hurts me so much to say that, but I really do.   
So, after 28 emails, this being my 29th, and two months, this is my final goodbye to you.   
I really do miss you so much, Connor. You’ve done so much for me. I will never forget those four months we had together. They were the best four months of my life.   
I’ll never forget those months, these emails, the conversations, the movie binging, the stupid games. But most of all, I won’t forget you.   
I daresay I love you.   
Sincerely,  
Your best friend,  
Evan Hansen

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: April 20th, 2019. 16:20  
Subject: RE: sorry

Jared is making me write this.   
Happy 4/20  
I miss you

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: May 30th, 2019. 17:43  
Subject: RE: sorry

Today was Zoe’s first birthday without you. It was her seventeenth.   
She misses you.   
Your mom still hasn’t moved your chair. She didn’t let anyone sit in it at Zoe’s party.   
I miss you

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: June 15th, 2019. 20:30  
Subject: RE: sorry

We missed you at graduation.   
They still said your name.   
I saw your dad cry.   
Your family still came to watch the ceremony. They say they go every year, but Zoe told me it was because you would’ve been graduating this year and they wanted to see me.   
I miss you

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 1st, 2020. 00:00  
Subject: RE: sorry

Happy New Year.   
It’s been a year.   
I still miss you. 

 

From: evanhansen@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 1st, 2020. 03:16  
Subject: RE: sorry

It’s been a year since you sent your email.   
I didn’t open it until your mom told me you had killed yourself and about the email.   
I think about it all the time, you know.   
Well, not all the time. But still quite a bit.   
I’m taking a gap year. Zoe is in her senior year and I’m pretty sure they planned for her locker to be right next to your old one. She keeps texting me about it. She’s frustrated with the people that did that. They say it was purely coincidental, but there are hundreds of senior lockers, and they chose this specific one?   
They made a memorial in the courtyard for you. I helped make it. They put it together over the summer. Zoe refuses to go into the courtyard now.   
That school is notorious for trying to help but failing miserably, right?  
Miss G from second grade invited me for coffee last Sunday. She’s pregnant and (finally) got married last October. She asked how I’ve been doing this last year. I told her I don’t know, because I really don’t. It confusing, everything that’s happened.   
I said I wouldn’t write you any more emails. That’s it. I’m screenshotting these and deleting your email for good so I’m not even tempted.   
Go figure, huh. I wrote over thirty emails trying to make sure you didn’t disappear. Now look at me, deleting all of them and making you virtually disappear. But, here’s the thing, I wasn’t really doing anything with these emails. These were for me to say what I was feeling for three months. You aren’t disappearing. You’ll still be in countless memories of your family and friends, you’ll still be immortalised in the photos that I haven’t deleted, you’ll still be right there to my left, adding sarcastic comments to conversations and smiling that mischievous twelve year old boy smile.   
Again, I still miss you so much.   
Sincerely,  
Your best friend who still misses you beyond the furthest star,  
Evan


	3. Zoe

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 5th, 2019. 14:32  
Subject: RE: sorry

Evan showed me his emails to you earlier today. It seemed intriguing  
Why would you do this you fucking dumbass? You were doing so fucking well and then you just had to go and ruin it all   
I can hear mom sobbing in the kitchen right now thanks to you  
That’s fucking torture, hearing her sob her eyes out because her son thought ‘hey, third times a charm!’  
You absolute, utter, complete, piece. Of. Shit  
I hate you. I hate you so much  
But I don’t  
I’m trying so hard to be happy you’re gone. I just fucking cannot. No matter how hard I try, my mind always goes back to when we got along and liked each other and   
Ugh  
I hate you so much you idiot  
I already miss you

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 7th, 2019. 15:15  
Subject: RE: sorry

First day back at school without you  
I skipped all last week, by the way  
I thought people would forget about me and wouldn’t pay attention to me if I just sort of disappeared for a week. Oh how I was wrong. Disappearing for a week actually did the complete opposite. People thought I was taking it harder than I actually am and suddenly wanted to be my friend  
Evan and I just sat in the field and talked though. We ignored everyone else  
It does hurt. It hurts so much  
We were actually getting better. We were like friends. Then you had to go and fuck that up  
Whatever. My burrito is ready

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 7th, 2019. 19:10  
Subject: RE: sorry

I need a sleepover  
That’s why I’m going to Evans tonight  
Don’t worry, I won’t hook up with him. That was your job  
Just kidding  
I actually don’t know. It wasn’t my business. But I suspect you at least wanted to

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 12th, 2019. 11:13  
Subject: RE: sorry

Today was your funeral  
It was kind of surreal to see you in that fucking casket  
God. I’m speechless. You looked so peaceful. Like you were put out of your misery  
The funny thing is is the fact that the thing (or, rather, things) that killed you were the thing(s) that were supposed to stop you from doing just that  
I’m scared to make sure Evan has his meds now  
He’s been taking this hard. Maybe harder than mom  
None of the speeches really made me cry because I wasn’t there for the things people talked about  
Except for one  
Evan’s  
He talked about Christmas Eve  
When the three of us watched Christmas movies all night  
Going right after him was very anticlimactic with my (completely improvised btw)  
‘Connor, I’ll seriously miss you, bud. You were trying to be a brother, I was trying to be a sister. We just weren’t trying hard enough. Or early enough. Who knows. I just feel so bad I wasn’t there to stop you. I miss and love you so, so, so much already’  
But it still did the job. Made mom cry, at least

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 12th, 2019. 13:36  
Subject: RE: sorry

I remember you blasting this album at all hours of the day. It didn’t matter what day it was, what mood you were in, it was this one  
I actually grew to like it  
Too bad I can’t listen to it anymore without crying  
That’s why it’s with you  
Because you loved it so much that I couldn’t imagine if any other way  
It’ll be weird not hearing it as soon as I pull up in the driveway from school

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 16th, 2019. 13:02  
Subject: RE: sorry

For some reason the school put on a memorial thing for you today  
The only person they had speak was Evan, to no surprise. He said the same thing he did at your funeral. They tried getting me up there, but I didnt wanna go up if my life depended on it. His speech made me cry again  
It was only me and him that cried, at least from what I saw  
I did see Miss G, though, your second grade teacher that you threw a printer at? She was there, for some reason. There was absolutely no other outside staff  
Idk. It was a weird day

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 19th, 2019. 11:56  
Subject: RE: sorry

No clue why I’m writing to you  
Maybe it’s because I’m bored and have nothing else to do, or maybe it’s because it’s been a week since your funeral and I’m not sure if your death has really sunk in  
God, the first two times you tried to kill yourself were insane. I don’t completely remember what happened, actually. I sort of just blanked out from when mom told me what had happened to when you were out of the hospital, with little bits and pieces thrown in here and there  
I remember being in the hospital room with you the second time and just pouring my heart out. You were unconscious due to blood loss and there was no one else in the room, so I guess I thought it was a good time? I wonder if you heard me? I seriously thought that you were going to die that time. I was staying up all night wondering if I would wake up to a text from mom saying you didn’t make it, or during school, or before going to bed, or whenever  
It was so weird seeing you come home with your arms wrapped in bandages up to your elbows. It was sort of relieving in a way. There were a solid three days of holding my breath and constantly checking my phone for that text from mom, and as soon as I saw you, I let go of that breath and stopped gripping my phone so hard. I wish I let you know that, though. How much you made me worry and stress and how much sleep I lost because of those three days you spent in the hospital  
Maybe that would have saved you. Maybe that would’ve, I dunno, opened the door to a good relationship sooner. I think that’s what I was getting at with my speech for your funeral. I wish I had the writing skills of Evan, things would be so much easier to understand and communicate  
But, I just have to accept the fact that, yes, you’re gone. You’re dead. I’m now technically an only child. Though I think everyone in this house refuses to believe that. I hate this. God. Why did you have to do that. Why did you have to insist I go to Evans New Years ‘event?’ Why did I not question it when you said you didn’t want to see Evan. You wanted to see him all the time. I’m just so stupid for being so blind that night. I hate myself so much for it  
I really do miss you Connor. Where ever you may be, I hope this message gets to you. I miss you so fucking much you dumbass. Hopefully we can see each other again

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 27th, 2019. 23:41  
Subject: RE: sorry

I visited your grave today  
I didn’t know which flowers were your favourite so I just brought roses  
It’s been quiet around the house without you  
I thought I’d enjoy it. I found out I really don’t. I hate the silence. I hate the fact that your music isn’t playing. I hate the fact that I can’t blast your music without crying. I hate the fact that mom still hasn’t packed your room or gotten rid of you chair  
It’s just me mom and dad at meals. We only need three chairs. But there’s four. One for me, one for mom, one for dad, and one for you. It’s like mom refuses to believe you’re dead, that maybe you’re just out with Evan or not in the best mood or some other thing  
It hurts seeing that empty chair across from me

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: February 1st, 2019. 20:45  
Subject: RE: sorry

Evan came over for dinner today  
Mom didn’t let him sit in your chair. She brought out a new chair and put it beside yours. It’s like she’s trying to replace you  
I hate that so much   
It fucking sucks

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: February 14th, 2019. 09:17  
Subject: RE: sorry

It’s Valentine’s Day. My mind won’t let me escape the memories of you and me as kids and saying in the exact same high pitched voice ‘ewwww’ when mom and dad would drive us to grandma and grandpas for ‘alone time’  
Yeah. That’s it

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: March 3rd, 2019. 09:42  
Subject: RE: sorry

So, basically, Evan’s been acting weird. Like, I hate to say it, but like you before you killed yourself. I thought I was the only one noticing it, because I’m sort of the only person Evan hangs out with anymore thanks to you, but I was wrong  
Alana Beck somehow got my phone number and we started talking and we realized that both of us are noticing it  
So Alana, one of Evans friends Jared Kleinman, and I are going to Evan’s house today to make sure he doesn’t kill himself. I hate that we need to do it, but with what happened with you, we all think we need to  
It’s been two months and mom still hasn’t gotten rid of your chair or packed up your room

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: March 16th, 2019. 22:42  
Subject: RE: sorry

Dad finally convinced mom to let him pack up some of your room  
Only some of it, though. He was definitely aiming for all of the stuff that would fit in boxes, but he obviously couldn’t take it. Him and I were packing away your closet, me taking out the clothes, him folding them and putting them in the box, before he broke down sobbing  
It was a weird experience? What do you do when your father begins crying over your dead brother’s dark blue hoodie? And then I saw the shirt I got you for Christmas. Your last Christmas. Our last Christmas  
It’s a completely black shirt with a small rainbow and clouds sewn into the left pec. I joined him. Soon we were absolute messes on the floor. Now we understand why mom doesn’t want to pack your shit away  
It’s just the final nail in the coffin that you’re dead and there’s nothing we can do about it. We need to just go on with our lives. It’s horrible that the world makes us do that

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: April 20th, 2019. 16:20  
Subject: RE: sorry

I’ve had this saved in my drafts for so long  
Happy 4/20, big bro  
I miss your stench every day

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: May 30th, 2019. 20:45  
Subject: RE: sorry

The chair is still there  
Today was my birthday. It was my seventeenth birthday. Isn’t that crazy? God, I wish you were here  
I keep rereading your email to me Evan and mom. I really do not know why. I just suddenly feel like I have to  
Maybe it’s because you were seventeen when you killed yourself, and now that I’ve made it to seventeen I feel obliged to understand what was going on in your head. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve been avoiding it for so long it’s finally time to reread it for the first time in five months  
I don’t know. I just wish you were here. Here for seventeen, here for eighteen, nineteen, twenty. All the way up to my last birthday. I was there for yours. It doesn’t seem fair

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: June 15th, 2019. 20:23  
Subject: RE: sorry

You would’ve graduated high school today  
I imagined you going up there in a cap and gown and recieving your diploma  
I imagined mom and dad looking at you with pride in their eyes, not at Evan  
It’s not frustrating that they’re trying to replace you, but it’s frustrating that they’re trying to replace you  
Whatever, they said they were there for everyone and told Evan they always went, no matter what year was graduating, which is a complete and blatant lie. I told Evan that. He looked really disappointed when I did

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: September 2nd, 2019. 06:34  
Subject: RE: sorry

First day of senior year  
Let’s hope it goes well

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: September 2nd, 2019. 15:27  
Subject: RE: sorry

They put my locker right next to your old one. Are you fucking kidding me. Do they want me to kill someone?  
And who thought it would be a good idea for a ‘block of rememberance’ for you in the courtyard? I can’t eat lunch without being reminded of you? That’s it, I fucking hate this school

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: October 31st, 2019. 22:27  
Subject: RE: sorry

Remember when we were kids and matched our costumes? I think the best one was when you were 10 and I was 9 and we dressed up as Harry and Hermione even though we hadn’t read the books or watched the movies. You thought of it after hearing a kid in your class talking about it and liked the name ‘Hermione’ so you convinced mom to let us dress up like that  
There was a point to this  
Oh right. When I was handing out candy there were three kids dressed up as Harry, Hermione, and Ron. The Ron even wore a shitty ginger wig. It was adorable  
I’m now sitting in my room eating left over Reeses cups. They were your favourite, right? I hope so or else this paragraph means absolutely nothing   
It was weird without you complaining on the couch with whiskers drawn on your face with my eyeliner pencil so you were a ‘cat.’ It felt sort of wrong. I seriously debated just turning off all the lights and eating all the candy for myself while watching horror movies. But then mom and dad came home and that was completely off the table

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 1st, 2020. 00:04  
Subject: RE: sorry

Happy New Year  
Well, not that happy  
It’s been a year since you killed yourself  
It’s been one terrible fucking year without you  
I can’t do anything without being reminded of you  
I’ll still try to make this year my bitch. To make you proud way up there in heaven, or in hell to the people writing on the side of lockers and shit  
God, I miss you. I miss you so much. I wish you were still here to tease me and send me stupid Buzzfeed articles at 2 in the morning and watch cheesy reality TV with and see my jazz band concerts and be brutally honest when I show you a new tune on my guitar I’ve been working on  
I just wish you were still here

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 3rd, 2020. 06:42  
Subject: RE: sorry

Happy birthday!   
You would’ve been 19 today and slowly becoming an old man. That was fucking weird waking up  
Last year was your 18th and while, of course, it was strange not coming home to mom making a giant cake, I was also completely empty and didn’t even fully realize what had happened. I was truly just still in shock  
I guess this is an apology for not wishing you happy birthday last year. I’m going out for cupcakes with Evan after I’m off of school so I hope that will be good enough for you. If you even see us, that is

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: May 15th, 2020. 00:38  
Subject: RE: sorry

I’m bored and can’t sleep. That’s kinda why I’m writing to you  
My finals are in less than a month and I am already too stressed. Why couldn’t you have made it at least another year to help me study because at this point I’m just staring at my textbooks hoping something will come of it  
I’m gonna be eighteen in only five days. Isn’t that insane? Your little sister technically becoming a legal adult in five days. Mom and dad are freaking out. You should see them. I honestly think they’re going insane  
I hope you’re wishing me a happy birthday to make up for all the lost ones and having shitty cupcakes with your friends to celebrate where ever you are. Are the cupcakes you have good? I don’t even remember if the ones we had for your birthday were good, I just remember the person making them was definitely too tired to be working and burnt them a bit. Evan left a twenty dollar tip for them in sympathy  
I don’t know. I really don’t think I wanna do anything special for my birthday this year. I think I did that last year too. Honestly can’t remember. Just have a couple friends over, overindulge in cookie dough ice cream and soda, watch movies until mom comes downstairs and yells at us for staying up too late. It really sucks though. I’m like the youngest of all my friends, so they’ve all already had their eighteenth birthdays so they’re all kinda over it. I think Cassie is the only one that’s still younger than me  
You never met Cassie did you? Oh, I can’t even begin to describe her. She’s somehow both the mom friend and irresponsible college student friend. It’s crazy. But also thrilling. She’s taking me and all our other friends on a giant houseboat party for a week this July for her birthday, and there’s no adult supervision because we are the adults. Just don’t tell mom and dad  
Okay. I think I’m tired now. Love and miss you every single day

 

From: zoeem@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: June 20th, 2020. 22:06  
Subject: RE: sorry

So I graduated today   
The entire family came. So did Evan and Heidi   
Mom and dad kept an empty space between them for you. My first thought when I saw it, though, was ‘leave room for Jesus,’ because you know what old Christian people are like. And then it clicked and I had to hold back the tears as I accepted my diploma   
I made it, Connor. I really made it. I graduated high school. I can seriously somehow feel how proud you are of me. I’d like to think I did it for the both of us, honestly. And that you were watching me from where ever you are and rooting me on all year. And maybe Evan at Pottery Barn  
Now, which strip club should I work at?  
Just kidding. We came home and mom was immediately packing up my stuff for college. She hasn’t even packed up your furniture. She has done most of your nicknacks and blankets and clothes and stuff, but your bed frame and shelves are still there, don’t worry. So is you chair. But I think once I’m all the way in DC for college she’ll put both of them away and pretend both of us are off in college and brightening our futures  
I’m going to become a therapist. I made that choice only a month and a half ago. Remember all through middle and high school when I said I wanted to do something with music? Yeah I decided helping people that were suffering like you is so much more important. I don’t want other families going though what we did. I don’t want their friends thinking like Evan and thinking he can’t go on because he doesn’t have anything to do so for. But he does. He must live on to keep your legacy going  
I honestly don’t know what’s up with me right now. It’s just been a long day, in all honestly. I’m tired and sweaty and all gross and I need a shower. That sounds nice. Crying in the shower because I finally made it and am making you proud  
I still miss you so fucking much. Love you


	4. Cynthia

From: mrscynthiamurphy@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 1st, 2019. 06:30  
Subject: RE: sorry

Connor. Connor where are you? Sweetie please reply to me. 

 

From: mrscynthiamurphy@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 1st, 2019. 07:03  
Subject: RE: sorry

Connor this isn’t funny. Please tell me where you are or reply to my texts or anything. 

 

From: mrscynthiamurphy@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 1st, 2019. 08:29  
Subject: RE: sorry

This truly isn’t funny young man. Your father and sister are looking for you, okay? You had better reply to me and tell me you’re joking by then. 

 

From: mrscynthiamurphy@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 1st, 2019. 10:12  
Subject: RE: sorry

Connor I’m so sorry oh my goodness.  
Please, if you wake up and see these please know I’ve been praying all morning and will be praying all night.   
I feel so bad. 

 

From: mrscynthiamurphy@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 2nd, 2019. 01:57  
Subject: RE: sorry

I should’ve known. You gave so many hints. I feel extremely bad for not seeing or knowing.   
But, at least I know you’re in a better place now, sweetheart. Just please know mom and dad love you endlessly and we will tell everyone to pray you make it somewhere safe.   
Please don’t worry about us up there in heaven, okay? We will be okay knowing you’re now okay.   
We love you so, so, so much.


	5. Jared and Alana

From: jaredcoolman@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 4th, 2019. 11:42  
Subject: what the actual fuck man

what the fuck? dude i swear to god why the fuck did you do it? can you see evan? can you see him sobbing his eyes out in the computer lab right now? can you see how much hes fucking hurting you absolute asshole. i hate you so much  
i hope youre happy seeing this. i hope this brings you endless joy, seeing your best friend in absolute fucking shambles because his only friend decided to fucking kill himself with no explainatiln. i have no words to describe how fucking furious youre making me right now  
fuck you dude. i hope youre happy

 

From: alanagbeck@gmail.com   
To: moncurph69@gmail.com   
Date: January 4th, 2019. 16:03  
Subject: I don’t know what to say…

I remember seeing you getting better. Right before my eyes. And now, you’re gone. I simply do not have the vocabulary to describe how horrible this is.   
You will not be forgotten. I will make you a promise. You will not be forgotten, no matter what it takes. If it means I must rent a blimp and wave a banner over the city, so be it.   
Though no one is, the mark you left on people is immortal. You will watch from heaven as people change and grow, but you will always be with them, believe me. Especially Evan and your family. They will not forget you, I promise.   
Thank you for reminding us about the delicacy of life, Connor, though in one of the least ideal ways. You will always live on with us. We will not forget you.

**Author's Note:**

> Ask me to tag anything else bc I definitely forgot some stuff


End file.
